Free Coaching Advice…

Coach,

Congratulations to you, your coaches, and especially the players on an outstanding season. This impressive run caught national attention and as a result, has you guys lined up to knock off the number 1 seed in the first round on your way to a National Championship!

As your friends, we know we have been a big help to you this season. However, we want to apologize for not being available to provide ‘free coaching advice’ during the one game you lost; which we know is the reason that caused you to slip behind 3 points. We got distracted going to our old college for the Hall of Fame Induction, but due to our presence and free coaching advice at that game, the alma mater claimed a victory that day. So it goes without saying that we know our stuff when it comes to free coaching advice.

After conferring this morning, we wanted to make sure we didn’t let you down on your way to the National Championship! Here is our best free advice we have to offer to help you as a head coach. Most of these techniques are new and different, but we are confident they have some good use…

–Make sure each team member has their helmet chin strap when they walk on the field. Many a game has been lost before the game even begins because players can not strap their helmet. Strapping the helmet is an old but very effective technique which actually stiffens the spine and reminds the player that the game will be played on the field and not in the media. Basically, who gives a shit about anything that happened before the game. Strap it up and play the game!

-Before the game, email every football fan, and especially guys at local bars, to collect all their advice, trick plays and offensive and defensive packages. This is often ignored ‘resource gold’ for coaches who don’t plan. Planning helps. We have found that most coaches don’t have a plan that is why people get so upset with them. So create a game plan with a few trick plays that will make you look really smart as a coach and then… all the fans will like you.

-Always offer water and Snickers bars to the refs during the game. This is an often overlooked strategy but can play a major part in your success. When refs get cranky or dehydrated they can become ‘hangry’ and this hurts the visiting team. Peanuts, chocolate, caramel and nougat downed with water can create a calming, pleasant effect. This has been tested on zebras so don’t miss this opportunity.

-Make sure the lines on the field are not elevated beyond regulation height. Many a player has tripped over raised lines that appear to look like the player just didn’t run correctly when in fact it was improper field line height. Always have a belt sander in the equipment box, preferably a wireless version, to reach all parts of the field. This can also be used on Goal Posts which would have been helpful for the 2018 Chicago Bears playoff game against the Eagles. So learn a playoff lesson from the NFL Bears and carry that belt sander.

-Consistent focused tackling on defense and sustained blocking on offense after the play starts all the way until the whistle is blown will create success on the field and win games. Sometimes this detail gets overlooked in the game plan and players will run for exercise during the play. Don’t get us wrong, we are big fans of exercise, but it must be done after the game. Remind players to tackle and block until the end of the play and they will feel much better after the game. It is almost like exercise.  

-Many rules exist to hamper effective blocking and tackling. Remind players to always be prepared to offer the refs an excuse after any flags are thrown for an alleged rule violation. Often times refs want players input but without it they are left to make their own rulings and sometimes without their glasses. This causes the refs to make things up and makes them feel like no one likes them.

Some effective excuse examples:

Holding: “he was falling so I was helping him stay on his feet so his coach would not be upset with him”

Face Mask: “I was adjusting his neck just like my chiropractor does for me”

Unsportsmanlike Conduct: “I am a peacock you gotta let me fly”

Too Many men on the field: “We count our smaller guys as a half so we can man up properly and make a better game of it”

Too Many Men in Motion: “Not everyone appreciates good choreography” or “The Canadians do it and they are nice people”

We know this free advice will help you on the playoff trail! No need to thank us now, we would accept a mention when you talk to the press at the National Championship Trophy Presentation.